


SpiRitual

by Eluvian



Category: Elder Scrolls Online
Genre: Bonding ritual, F/M, Green Lady, Long lost love, Romance, Silvenar - Freeform, bosmer - Freeform, dying, high elf, saving life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 11:44:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15581241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eluvian/pseuds/Eluvian
Summary: Astrid, my protagonist of Elder Scrolls Online goes to meet a person she'd had adventures with, but he married another girl, even though she found herself very close to him...





	SpiRitual

The winds were soothing and the leaves danced at a wonderful rhythm made of peace with the colours of silver and green and many others that even the ancient elves couldn't have names for. These moments were rare in the past months so Astrid tried to enjoy them.

She never chose the tasks that she was given, but as time went on they felt as if they always belonged to her. Many times she thought she won't live until the next day and now, having finished, she had some time to dwell on the thought. She was alive.

All the people that thanked her for having better lives, thanked her for saving the world, their child, their village, their love - it became tiring after a while. Day by day she was visited by some people she remembered, or didn't, they brought her presents, wrote letters of gratitude, some literally sent flowers.

And the saddest thing was, that lingered in the wind right now, that she didn't feel close to them. She smiled because she had to, and after a while these scenes became exhausting pretences.

There was one person though, that she would be happy to see. She had known him differently, but nowadays he was known as the Silvenar. The last time she'd seen him was the wedding ceremony that she helped arrange.

She stared into the mirror of the lake remembering that horrible night...

 

_Yes, I'm smiling. I'm smiling, I'm happy for you._

_The music goes on and finally there will be no other obstacles for your happiness. Your people need this. This union is for the greater good. Or so they say._

_Why is a burning hell in my mind? What am I feeling? Not so sure about it. It's like I have no right to be unhappy. I helped it happen, I saved the Green Lady for you... Funny, I thought I would hate her. But when I met her, she was really nice, a fine example of her kind, I believe even better than most of them._

_I think that makes it even worse... Part of me wants to hate her. But I look at her smiling face full of gladness that is more honest than mine will ever be tonight. She is beautiful. Her hair shines dark like the surface of a lake when the stars gaze at it. I can admit she looks wonderful, I must admit it, because that's the truth. Her gown just emphasizes her thin body, and the pattern..._

_I always regreted not being a wood elf. But that was not my choice. Never did I regret it more than when she walked to you, looked at you determinedly, like she could see the whole future in your eyes. Shining, they declared that you belonged to her. And I watched you, the two figures, and my heart cried in pain because you looked so beautiful. I didn't know what were the names of the feelings I felt, there were lots, having a great war with each other, fighting as fiercely as we used to when we entered the Shadow Realm together and it was only you that kept the soul in me in that harvesting darkness. Everything around me - grey, lifeless, pain, threat, but you held my spirit high, because I was not alone. Alone in the dark, it squeezes all the life from a person, it did so to me too. You were so determined - as you were know, when you were to take her as your bride. My soul was lifted then, and now it was in ruins, in the middle of a crowd full of happy people._

_My smile was the withered ash that's left after a fire destroys a house, my tears the raindrops that wash all that dirt into the ground, as I heard, from somewhere beyond a veil, the words that connected you. Two bodies lifted up, and for a moment I imagined it was me and not her you were holding. You weren't holding her directly, but the shining aura around you looked as if it was something materialized._

_I wondered how it felt. I always wanted to ask, but I didn't. And I stood there, I wanted to do something, but I knew it would be useless to interfere. No one would understand and maybe even you would hate me. The thought ran by as it came._

_But I imagined. Her lips on yours. The body. She was the body, you were the spirit... you are..._

_And then I walked out, left you celebrating, left them. I walked in the night forest, after I hesitated for a while if I should stay for a while and have some drinks, but I knew I couldn't forget. I would remember everything, like I do know as I stare into this lake. That night, I was there tortured not only because you deserved my presence and I had to pay my respects. True, I owed it to you but to some extent I enjoyed it, I smiled in the face of fate and I bathed in the heat of fire, although I felt as if it was burning me, like someone who didn’t belong._

_Did I not? Why not, I asked and gained no answer nor from the wind, the stars. I didn’t ask any human or elven being, though. I never shared these emotions with them._

 

A leaf fell into the water and created a sight that she found so wonderful she wanted to paint it. As the circles slowly spread on the surface. And all those trees, visible, their forms made grotesque but still beautiful by the waves. But she had no time for that, actually she was afraid if even this amount of time was permitted for her to bathe in the parfume of memories. Memories that had power, to slowly kill the one who used them, just like some substances that also influenced the mind.

 

She didn’t realize when the thought occurred to her. By the time she faced it, it was there, sheer and real, and there was no way escaping it.

She needed to see him. Again.

She needed to see the wood elf, even though most people of that species detested her and didn’t recognize what she’s done for them. She was a high elf. No denying it, she stood about one feet above them all. Her figure was different, her eyes were different, even her speech. Even if in her heart she wanted to belong to them, they wouldn’t accept.

But she needed to see him. Maybe one last time.

She’d avoided going to that place again for a long time. But since she learned how to face her fears, maybe this one was the last waiting to be defeated.

She hopped on her regular, seemingly not-at-all-special brown horse and set off. She felt like an adventurer again. The familiar road changed a bit, the seasons painted their different colours on it many times, but the bigger rocks, the colour of flowers, the scent and sounds were the same, as there was late spring again, just when they got married.

_The defender of the world cannot get her prize. How pathetic. And she can’t even realize it’s all in vain._

Darkness shrouded her thoughts and many times she thought to turn back. When she got closer and closer, her heart rate was racing and she thought that by the time she’d be standing in front of him, she’d be just a shaking wreckage. Maybe she won’t even talk to him, only watch him from the distance, as she’d always done… _It will be enough, yes, seeing him…_

When she reached the entrance, she took a deep breath, and thought, _here we are again. The sky didn’t collapse, no volcano has erupted and… basically… nothing happened. That’s usually how much an individual’s presence might change the world._  It was almost comical how nothing reacted to her act, which was preceded by such a long fight with herself. But by this time she learned that this is life. Everything just goes on.

This opinion, though, changed somewhat. Some faces she recognized, and she was also recognized by some. She saw it in their eyes that they remembered her deed, the terror of the Hound and… maybe, yes, maybe her figure was a part of the idea that a new Silvenar was brought to them, that an other elf lady helped, a different one, a stranger… Astrid was happy for being just a small thread of though in a conversation or a lingering memory. The important thing was that she’d helped them, done something good. It… should have felt good. But it didn’t always. Partly, she wanted the pleasure to herself. Part of the Bosmers’ gratitude meant her failure. The Silvenar meant that he was forever taken away from her.

’I know you,’ one of them called out. She stopped, climbed off her mount and walked to him. Eyes deep blue like ancient lakes. He remembered her. She didn’t remember him. ’You’re the one who saved us.’

_Us? As in… you Bosmers or everyone from the Daedra?,_ she smirked with a clink of self-contempt. But the thought that she saved everyone did not help.

’It was the least I could do. I was happy to help you’, she said the mantra, the over-repeated sentence, which almost lost its meaning after having been said a thousand times. The marble smile on her face spoke of exhaustion.

’Perhaps you can save us again.’ The old man said. He seemed old, although his years wouldn’t show it for sure, but his face and eyes were ancient. Tired. Kind, but tired. And with the unquestionable wisdom many Bomers seemed to carry besides the secret flames in their eyes, the hiding power which waited to be set free.

At least that’s what she used to imagine. When she looked at Him.

But why did they need saving? ’I hope there won’t be any need for that’, she smiled kindly, oblivious of the shades that crossed the Bosmer’s face. There really was a problem. His heart began to sink, and beat faster. She blinked once, twice, putting things together in her mind. _He’s not been hurt, is he? Kidnapped? Taken away? Replaced?_ But there was only one way he could have been replaced…

’We are grieving, my lady.’ He bowed his head, then cocked it up again, looking at her.

’No!’ Her voice was louder than it was meant to be. ’Something happened to him?’ She needed to know. Now. Right now. The moments seemed to extend to ages as she hold her breath, all of her empathy and patience lost in a raging desire to find out what happened and… and…

…after that, what?

_Please, say it. Please. Just let me know… Why did I have to come back…. But if… if I found out later… It would have hurt all the same. It’s good I came. At least I can comfort the people, they trust me. But… no… I’m not strong enough._

She shook her head as she pulled herself back to reality. ’Dead?!... What…’

’Our Green Lady has passed away.’

An image came to Astrid’s mind. Her. Young and beautiful. Gone. But not him. A bliss, a sinful gladness rushed through her _. He is alive. He’s not gone._

Yet.

But… The Green Lady’s death meant a sentence to him as well.

_One may not live longer than the other._

_Soon, light will vanish from his eyes. A new Silvenar will be chosen. He will die… and it will be Her fault_.

Astrid’s eyes suddenly lit up with anger mixed with sorrow. The Bosmer’s hands were suddenly on hers, seeing how her world turned upside down. She could barely breathe, it felt as if… she no longer deserved it. Did she deserve to be able to stand here, smell this air, walk and laugh, when somebody died?

She still felt this way even after seeing so many death. Emotions crushed against each other inside her, fighting till they turned away from what they originally were and each of them forgot their purpose, giving int o dark chaos. Ambivalence.

Astrid had liked Her. She really had. All the same, sometimes she’d wanted Her dead. Dead before She could take Him. She wanted Him to be hers, wanted to be the Green Lady. But she remained in silence and walked the paved path in front of her.

_What could I have done?_

’I am so sorry to bring you sad news, my lady. But you would have found out eventually. The whole of Silvenar is grieving.’

How fool she was not to have noticed the silence, the lack of thriving life, children running all around the streets. Even the birds were quieter, as she approached, honouring the memory of their leader. Even the animals felt is.

She’d felt it. But she couldn’t yet identify what this strange, ominous shade was. Until now.

’And is he…?’

’The Silvenar, you mean?’

_Yes. Indaenir. It’s his name._  She nodded.

’He is getting weaker. He does not talk to us.’

’He is alive.’

’Not for long, I believe. I am sorry for you. You have been in battle with him, have you not?’

’The Shadow Realm. Yes.’ _I have been to the dark with him and returned. I wanted to take him with me, but he needed to stay with his people. Who are my people?... I wanted to be his people too. I still do._ Inaccurate accusations. This Bosmer couldn’t help anything. She decided to say goodbye.

’You can still say your goodbyes, it will help him, I’m sure.’

_Are you reading my mind?_ ’Where can I find him?’ She had a feeling he might not be at home. She only hoped this man knows…

’At this time of the day he usually takes a stroll to the forest.’ A short sigh. Silence.

’What’s the problem?’

’He goes out after noon and we don’t see him until dawn. He does not sleep at home. We are afraid of him, but he just does not listen. The sorrow… the sorrow on his face… Go to him. Seeing an old friend and comrade might help him. You… have arrived in a good time. Any of these days might be his last.’

The bell had been rung. She closed her eyes, fighting back tears, every muscles in her body, face tense.

’The… the forest?’ is all she was able to ask, resisting the urge to turn around and start running as fast as she can.

’The shore of a small lake. Flowers all around it, I’m not a herbalist, so can’t really say what kind of flowers. Purple and white, water flowers.’

’Excuse me, but… How do you know exactly where he goes?’

’He told me. When he still spoke…’

_Oh. So he doesn’t even speak…_ She tugged her silver hair behind her pointy ears. ’Thank you. I will see him now. Thank you…’

Her horse neighed, impatient. She couldn’t help but smile, petting the animal on the neck, its spotted coat soft under her hands. She looked back once to the old man with a merge of sympathy and sorrow, then started to lead the horse along the trail. She knew exactly where to go, she had explored the nature around here countless times, fantasizing, like a little girl, that one day she might walk here with her true love.

Well. Life can be ironic.

_Never fall in love with leaders_ , her mother had always told her, and how right she was. _Except it was not my plan, for him to become a leader._

As she walked, and the muscles tensed in her body, moving, working, a perfect machine, she thought how was it possible? For one to die, and another one to follow. What kind of magic was this? Did one not deserve a second chance? _One may not love only one person in a life… and it need not be treachery._

Old leaves screeched under her feet as she stepped on them. _She can’t take him away from me._ Living, lush, green leaves, an aesthetic painting, a gift to the eye. Tiny flowers bowing their heads gracefully, silently. She felt like an intruder. One foot taller than she should be. Never knowing where to belong. Always excluded from a community which she began to hate because of it.

She’d helped. And gratitude had always failed to arrive.

She increases her pace angrily. So, so angry, she grabs a random branch she comes across, pulls on it, her fingers grasping it, and breaking it, like a dead bone, knowing with a crying heart that the tree she’s just hurt was innocent, had nothing to do with anything. But when you are in pain, you punish the weaker. You can’t punish the one stronger than you.

The magic – death – seemed stronger than her. _I never asked for this._ Tears rolled down her face, peeking little crystals tickling her skin, hot fluid of life, than drying and cooling, but they could still be felt.

_How can the sun shine? It should be raining. I should catch a cold, roll up and maybe stay here… I am getting crazy._

The glimmering surface of the lake. The scent of water. Flowers. Life. Idyllic. _No wonder he likes it here._

She saw a figure lying on the ground. She stopped, holding her breath, she would have held her heartbeat as well if she could. She licked, than bit her bottom lip, then swallowed. _It must be him. No one should be here at this hour…_ They were getting close to sunset, the sun painting orange waves onto the leaves, the grass, the bushes.  

_What if I’m late?_ The thought tasted bittersweet, ironic, sweet and bitter… poisoned berries from a wonderful glade like this. The grass painted light green from spring and yet he is dying. _He is dying._ She closed her eyes, then opened it again, gathering her strengh, she commanded her feet to move. Mechanically, they did, carrying her to the body on the ground.

Black locks scattered between blades of grass. Eyes closed, resting, sleeping, somewhere far away from this world. Leaving. Fading. His eyelashes moved sometimes, as if he’d seen something that needed escaping from. A nightmare?

But it was him. So peaceful, so quiet. Accepting. Having fled here from all that noise. In silence. Alone.

So strong. So strong. She couldn’t escape them anymore. The emotions. They twirled around her in tendrils and locked herself in a cage, she couldn’t shake them off. She dropped to her knees, losing balance.

His chest rose slowly. Then sank, than rose again. He was alive.

This movement was the only thing that distinguished him from the dead. She could see him lying amongs white roses surrounded by Bosmer bowing their heads, tears slowly rolling down their faces. And she was angry with them. _Why do you get to be angry?_ , she snarled at them in this imaginary world… future. _He was not yours. Never yours. He was mine._

But this was not this world, only one in her mind. A reflection in the pond, and then you blink, and it’s gone, as if it was never there. Maybe it never was.

He opened his eyes, and she gasped. Her ragged breath must have been too loud. She bit her lip and covered her face with both hands, feeling ashamed for waking him. He’d been so beautiful, but now… with those moss-green eyes, so large, so deep, so wise, looking as if they could see right into her soul…

_But they couldn’t. He did not see._

She wanted to sink under the ground, disappear, make her presence here un-happened. As if she’d disturbed a moment she did not deserve.

’You’re back.’

_I… I am?_ She was no longer sure. She felt like a ghost, lingering between reality and dreams, fantasy and imagination. Then it struck her like a lightning, a piece of straw that a drawing person can hold onto. He’s alive. Alive, alive, alive.

A giggle-like laugh left her throat, and unlike herself, and unlike the situation, she smiled, then nodded, reassuring him. ’I’m not a dream.’ The words were soft, she had no idea where they came from, but she was happy for them. Hearing his voice once again… It made it worth coming here, even worth seeing him die… no. Not that.

’You seem like one.’

This time she couldn’t suppress the laugh. Absent-mindedly, she forgot what kind of outfit she was wearing. It did not matter in the time of grief, but now suddenly it felt as if she received a compliment. _Stupid. He’s just happy to see you. He doesn’t care how you look like._

Just as she did not care how he looked like, because the honest fire in those green eyes was there. His expression was different from the sleeping one. Surprised. As if the sun had come out from behind a cloud, giving away its yellow light again.

She had no idea what to say. What can you say to somebody who is going to die? Whom you haven’t seen in… years.

’You haven’t changed much’, she managed. He sat up, but did not stand, so that there eye level was the same. She wanted to climb closer and put her hands around his neck, hug him close, but something stopped her, marking the territory for itself…

The thought of death.

’You… It’s good to see you. I was afraid you’d never come.’

’How could I do that?’

’Very easily.’ A stab. ’You must have… matters to attend to. The whole world celebrated you, the rumors spread even here, although I didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t. But surely, you saved us all, as they say.’

_I am just going to say what I think now. He’s going to leave, he might as well hear what’s the truth…_ ’I never asked for being a hero. And it’s all worth nothing if I can’t save you.’

A grateful, touched smile appeared on his face. She blinked, but kept her eyes close longer than needed. Looking at him made it hard to think about anything else. _How will I go back home now?..._

’Seeing you here was the best gift I could get.’

_What?_ ’You’re just saying that.’

’You refuse to believe a dying man’s words?’

_Damn that smirky smile._ ’You… don’t… please, don’t make me laugh.’ But she couldn’t help it. Again. She covered her face with her hands – again.

And there he was. Arms around her slim, but if she was standing, tall figure, now cuddled u pin a defensive posture. She opened her eyes, unbelieving. _She_ was being comforted.

’I spoke to a man in the village.’ The words come as asked for. ’I don’t know who he was. He told me you used to come here for a long time, so I came to find you. When you were lying there, I thought… well, part of me thought…’

’No… Not yet.’

She sighed. His warm hands, his scent drank itself into her senses, her soul, her face went red, but she did nut push him away, since it was not yet enough. It would never be enough.

’How did she…?’

’They didn’t tell you?’

Her face went red. ’I didn’t… I didn’t ask how…’ Suddenly his touch felt unbearable. She cleared her throat and politely eased away his hands, stating she can now bear to be alone. Although this was not a fact.

Guilt. Guilt craved down into her bones. She should have asked. After all, she owed it to Her. But the Green Lady had been – was – none if her concern. And there it stood, the unmistakable, invincible truth. She didn’t care about her, or she did, but that sadness was just a small part, much smaller than she would have deserved.

’Probably people who envied her.’

’Excuse me, what did you say?’

’She got… assassinated. By her own kind. One of them was then left alive and interrogated.’

’And?’, she asked in suspense. _Who would harm the Green Lady, knowing that by killing her, they kill another person too?_

’He was a coward, he gave away his leader before we had to… touch him. It’s over.’

’I should say I’m sorry.’

’You should?’

She found it so hard to resist the urge to cry. She looked pleadingly into his eyes. _Don’t make me say it. Just comfort me. Yes, you. Comfort me. The way you did before. Even though I don’t deserve it._

She closed her eyes. ’There is nothing to lose, huh?’

’What are you afraid of losing?’

’Indaenir…’ she started, but stopped, startled. She expected a petulant response like ”It is Silvenar now”, but he didn’t seem hurt at all. _You. I’m afraid of losing you._

’I wanted to be sorry for her death, but I could only think about… that… you will die soon.’

Much to her surprise, she saw a mirror now. His face showed the same powerless frustration and sorrow that she felt in herself. ’Thank you’, he muttered, staring at the ground in front of him, avoiding her gaze.

’But it’s wrong. I can’t help it, but it’s wrong, I know. I don’t… don’t want you to die.’ _What use it is in saying? You won’t stop it by… oh wait._ ’Why are you so silent?’ Terrified. Ashamed. Hopeful. Impatient. Shocked.

’I should have loved her too.’ She blinked. _What do you mean? Is itt he beginning of a confession that you didn’t?_ ’I understand what you feel. I myself felt the same when I found out what happened. First, I blamed myself that I could not protect her, than… The feeling that I still planned so much in my life was almost stronger than my grief for her. It should have been different. This bond, I… thought this magic linked us closer together. Buti t seems the rules of nature can’t be altered so easily.’

’You thought you should have felt closer to her?’

’We were the leaders of our people, joined by a sacred ritual. Naturally we were expected to love each other, but… it was fate which put her by my side.’

’And my help.’ Before she could think, the words slipped out of her mouth.

’Yes. And your help. And she was wonderful. Kind, lively, with a creative mind, faithful…’

_He did not love her. Oh, I’d hoped, but… I’d so hoped you did not love her. I knew you didn’t._

’You don’t need to feel guilty, it’s… you can’t… I mean you didn’t…’

’I was faithful to her, yes. Now would you please stand up?’

’Oh…’ She wasn’t realizing she was still sitting. She stumbled to her feet awkwardly, sweeping the remnants of living and dead grass off her clothes and skin. He also stood up, now faced her, his gaze honest and distant.

_I should not be listening to this. Why am I here? Will I hurt him even more? Maybe these are his last minutes. How will I know if he… will it be quick, will he just collapse to the ground, or…_

’What are you thinking about?’, he asked, just too politely, keeping a distance, but at the same time, opening gateways so deep in her. Those eyes. The colour of spring leaves and grass. Life. He looked so alive…

’Can you read my mind, too?’

’No, I can’t, this is why I’m asking. Besides – ”too”?

She couldn’t help a tiny smile. ’It’s just that… your kind seems to see… to see into my soul. More easily than others.’ She blushed. _Your kind. Which I sadly don’t belong to._

’I would like to. But you’re hiding from me.’

Fear grasped her heart. ’Hiding from you?’ She tried to look innocent, as if she didn’t understand, but she did… all too well.   _I’m hiding from myself._

’I can only hope you think the way I do.’

Something in her throat barely let her speak. She needed all her strength to form words, and it felt like leaping into a ravine from a cliff, letting go, letting events form as time went on, throwing the responsibility out of her hands. Or the exact opposite… grabbing the responsibility…

’I know I should feel bad for her, but the only thing I could think of was you. That you would leave as well. And I…’ She swallowed, fighting reality as if it was watching her with questioning eyes, waiting for a lie to form. But it didn’t. ’I am angry with her. Even though she is the victim, she had no right to die. She had no right to take… to take you from life.’ _To take you from me._

He understood, that could be seen. His eyes. He was nothing like before. Not old, not exhausted. Seeing the light from among the leaves radiated by the new sun.

’From the time you arrived here, somehow I know I am not going to die. I feel it.’

She opened her eyes wide. Did she hear right? Was all her heartbreaking for nothing?

_It must be a figure of speech. There is no way anything could cheat this rule… or… maybe yes?_

’What… do you mean?’ Her voice was feeble like white water falling down a cliff. She was terrified as if she was int hat water, waiting to fall down into the unexpected.

’When I came out here, every day, I thought this day might be the last.’ Her heart began pounding so hard it was hard to listen. She could imagine. All too well. How could she be able to change that? ’Even today, I imagined countless times that I lie down here and never get up.’ _So you DID mean to just leave all of us closing your eyes and being all comfortable…_ She was suddenly angry with him. Very angry, for letting go like this. Although… what else could he have done? ’But when I saw you…’ _This is starting to feel like a dream._ She knew she should say something to break the creamy silence, buti t was to perfect to do anything about it, and she could not find her voice either. ’I don’t know how it happened. To that moment I felt nature taking away my strength, as if it returned to the elements around me. As I lay in the grass, it felt as if the power that kept me alive merged into all the living things around me. Taking me apart, taking me to her…’ She flinched. How can she be now? Did she really love him? Like Astrid did?

_No. No way._

_And it does not matter now._

’Can I save you? You’re telling me I can save you somehow?’ _And I was thinking about whether it was a good idea to come… To imagine that I left you here… fading away…_ Her feet started to move, not entirely in connection with her mind, her body created its own commands and suddenly she decreased the distance between them, threw her arms around his neck and held him close in a crazy, enthusiastic embrace. That’s what she was now. Uncontrollable gladness, switched to the other side of everything, getting out of the Shadow Realm.

She only realized she was laughing a few moments later. Also that was when she also realized the effect of her incredibly brave and hasty move, namely his heart beating forcefully against her chest.

’You already saved me’, he cupped her face in his hands and their eyes met, blue and green lakes in an eternal ocean. His face started to approach hers, and she knew what was coming next. His lips touched hers so gently, like a flower touches your fingers when you brush against it. It felt as if it had to be done ages ago, but it was not yet too late. It never was. Through her closed eyes she could see everything, her future, her acceptance, she and nature melted together, life was flowing through her and keeping him alive, as it would do so in all of their lives from now on.

 

 


End file.
